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I’m Back! – A Journey Of Self Exploration

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Hello, hello, my dear readers! I know that the blog has once again gone into remission  – full hiatus on my own behalf. I try to keep this blog up to date, but well, sometimes life gets in the way. I won’t be telling you every little detail that has happened since I’ve been gone, but I will tell you this: I am now a single woman. My van no longer runs. We successfully moved, but it came with a good bit more drama than I would have wished. I’m working more, and yes, I’m working out again. I’m fully embracing a real social life. So, with all of this, I’m sure you can begin to grasp why on earth I have been gone for so long.

The good news is, however, that these hard times have definitely been a positive in certain ways. I’ve found myself. I know, I know, that sounds so cliche. How could you lose yourself? Aren’t you always right where you are? Ah, well, not exactly. At the beginning of the end of my marriage, and during bucket-loads of drama associated with individuals I moved in with, I fell into a state of depression. Readers of my blog know I have suffered from anxiety issues for quite some time, but depression is something decidedly not me. Oh, I get upset from time to time, but my depression during this period in time was horrific. I didn’t want to eat, I couldn’t sleep, and even getting dressed was a chore. I simply laid around wondering what was wrong with me, what had I done wrong, why was all of this happening to me – at once, nonetheless?

After about two weeks of wallowing in self pity, I decided it was time to change things. I knew that wasn’t me. For starters, I’m a typically happy person. For seconds, I never just lay around – I’ve always been very active. It took me such a short period of time to find out what my real issue was. After six years of marriage, and an even longer period of time spent dedicated to taking care of everyone but my own self, I had no idea who I was as an individual. I was one of two. I was a caretaker. I was… I wasn’t really sure what I really was. So, I began a purposeful journey of self exploration in the hopes of finding myself ad rectifying my situation.

I did a lot of things. I made lists. I talked to close friends and family. I read self help books. I studied my life as thoroughly as i would study anything else (and many of you know, that’s pretty darn thoroughly). As my life was a progressive story, it made sense to start at the beginning. I looked at my past. Where did I come from, what mistakes did I make, how had I changed as the years flew past me? What had I given up that, perhaps, I should have never given up in the first place? What had I held onto that I should have let go of? I was able to pinpoint several very specific moments where I lost a piece of the person I once was, and the person I was in my youth was everything I strove to be as an adult – kind, caring, intelligent, wild, free, forgiving, outgoing, proud, creative, unafraid.

The study into my past naturally led me to a study on my present life, which absolutely disgusted me. I was, at that moment, a morose ball of sell pity seeking sanctuary in a dark room, behind a closed door. Ugh! The truth was that  my inner child was disgusted with the adult I currently was. It didn’t take long to realize that my situation was not the problem, but rather the journey of loss of self which had brought me to this point.

My future was the turning point. What did I want out of life? How did I want to change? What did I need to do in order to put that change into action? The answers to these questions fueled my next step: actual action, actual self reckoning. I faced the truth, once and for all, and I knew what I wanted to do: be the person I had always been.

Which leads me to know. I am here, today, as a brand new person. This brand new person is a better version of the child I once was. I am everything I ever was, but with the wisdom of extra years standing at my back. Not only have I fallen in love with myself once again, but so many other things have fallen into place along the journey. My anxiety is nearly nonexistent. The panic attacks have faded to something rare, and those I do have are controllable – because I taught myself to control them on my own. I don’t need anyone else, because I am everything I need. My health is better. Unfortunately, I have begun smoking again, so I shall tackle that hurtle once more. Otherwise, I am thinner, stronger, more energetic, and can look in the mirror and tell myself I am awesome. Everything is falling into place.

I have also learned that I am always a work in progress. I can always become a better version of my true self, without ever straying from the real, unadulterated me. My point in telling you all of this? Maybe, no matter what you’ve heard or even what I’ve previously told you here, all you really need to do is embrace yourself. Whether you’re suffering from depression, anxiety, health issues that no one has been able to identify, confusion, or just a sense of something being not quite right. Go ahead, embrace yourself, and see what happens – you won’t be disappointed!

Before I leave off here with my first post back, I wanted to give you a idea of what to expect from this blog moving forward. I will not be posting as often as I once was –  I simply don’t have the time for it. Here is an idea of what you can expect from me, in terms of the new blogging schedule:

Monday – Get To Know The Author (post revolving around something in my life – past, present, or future)
Tuesday –  Teaser Tuesday (short teaser from whatever book I’m currently working on)
Thursday – Marketing and/or Writing Advice
Friday – Living Healthy Advice (in keeping with tradition of my subtopics, something revolving around healthy living)

Besides these scheduled posts, I will be using my off days (Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday) to post book reviews, upcoming book releases, and current news in the indie community. So thanks for sticking around, and I’m looking forward to hearing from all y’all once again!

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